Double Kodachis
by mindmelda
Summary: A parody about stuff in fanfics that generally bugs me (even in my own). Guest starring your favorite bishies from other series.
1. Default Chapter

Double Kodachis  
  
(AN: This parody came to me the other day when I was watching that fight scene in the anime where Kenshin and Aoshi fight in the library. Aoshi lovers, please don't hate me. It's all in fun, honest. But, the first time I heard someone say "double kodachis" I fell over laughing. *stabbing knitting needle in ear trying to remove hentai thoughts*)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in Rurouni Kenshin, or I'd be nicer to them than I am in this parody.  
  
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The first fight scene between Aoshi and Kenshin that didn't make it past the cutting room floor.....  
  
Aoshi: *yelling* My kodachis burn for a taste of your flesh Battousai.  
  
Kenshin: Really? That's what your swords are called? *cracking up* Kind of a suggestive name, isn't it? Come on, I know that the sword is a powerful phallic image, but, that's just not subtle. Compensating, are we?  
  
Aoshi: *pausing his attack, pissed off* You should talk, Mr. "I got hit on by a dozen guys on the way to Kyoto"!  
  
Kenshin: * lower lip trembling* Sessha is not GAY! I love Kaoru- dono!(Kaoru squeals with delight off stage.) I'm just drawn that way. It wasn't my decision to wear pink, have big violet eyes with dark lashes, and long red hair. I wanted to be taller too! *he cries* I'm just a sensitive guy!  
  
Aoshi: Hey, don't cry, Kenshin! Although, you are kind of cute like that...*Aoshi bats his beautiful blue eyes and sighs*  
  
Sano: *using his last few brain cells to reach a conclusion* Aoshi is ... gay? *Misao screams off stage, "NOOOOOOOOO!" then thinks, "Well, that does explain why he ran from me for 6 years."*  
  
Aoshi: Don't be so surprised. Haven't you read any slash fics? I'm the stereotypical stoic character who turns out to be secretly gay and a big sap. Meet my friends, Heero Yuy from Gundam Wing. *gesturing to a handsome Japanese teenager with messy hair, dark blue eyes and a scowl permanently plastered on his face* and Hiei, from YuYu Hakusho. *a short guy dressed in black, with black spiky hair that has a white streak, and who has blood red eyes, appears*  
  
Heero: Hn.  
  
Hiei: Hn.  
  
Aoshi: Sorry, their characters aren't allowed to talk a lot unless Duo or Kurama are around, then they start spouting love sonnets.  
  
Kenshin: *nodding* Sessha understands now, that he does. *he walks over and gives Aoshi a sympathetic hug, proving how sensitive he really is*  
  
Soujirou: And I'm the overly genki boyish character in slash fics that everyone assumes is gay even if he isn't. Here's my friends, Duo from Gundam Wing and Vash the Stampede from Trigun. *a short cute guy with a long braid and big eyes waves and a tall, overly pretty blond man with spiky hair and a beauty mark grins at everyone, eating a donut*  
  
Kenshin: *nodding* Quatre from Gundam Wing, Kurama from Yu Yu Hakusho and I all have that "we're so girly looking and nice everyone assumes we're gay" problem. Not that it's a bad thing. *looking around nervously for zealous ACLU lawyers*  
  
Sano: Even though I flirt outrageously with Megumi, slash writers are always putting me with Kenshin. *Kenshin blushes* Well, there was that time we had to keep warm and there was only one blanket...  
  
Kenshin: ORO!  
  
Saitou:*suddenly appearing, chewing on a toothpick, hands shaking* I'm married to Tokio and I'm always in slash fics too. And those ahous at Cartoon Network took away my cigarettes. I'm dying of nicotine withdrawal! And then I have to have sex with that baka roosterhead! *Saitou retches*  
  
Sano: Hey, watch who you're calling ahou, Ahou!  
  
Saitou: *Takes out his katana and give Sano a quick Gatotsou haircut.* I've wanted to do that for years now. You'll save a fortune in hair gel.  
  
Sano: *punching Saitou in the mouth using the Fumae no Kiwame* And I've been wanting to do that!  
  
Saitou: *spitting out a tooth* I can't believe you hit me, honey-muffin!  
  
Sano: I'm so sorry, woofie-kins. *They hug and walk off consoling each other.*  
  
Kenshin: *sweatdrop appears* And to think I shared a blanket with him....  
  
Aoshi: *looking disappointed* So, I guess we're not going to fight now, Kenshin?  
  
Kenshin: Are you going to say "double kodachis" again?  
  
Aoshi: Yes. I have to.  
  
Kenshin: Then I surrender. The name of your attack alone has defeated sessha, that it has.  
  
Aoshi: What was the name of your final attack? Just so I know.  
  
Kenshin: Ama-kakeru-ryu-no-hirameki!  
  
Aoshi: *falls down laughing* I could double kodachi you 5 times before you said that once.  
  
Kenshin: *sighing* I know, that's the only problem my ultimate attack. 


	2. What's with the hair?

Double Kodachis  
  
Part 2  
  
What's with the hair?  
  
Kenshin: Kaoru-dono, did you steal my shampoo again? You know that without my special herbal shampoo, sessha's hair will get split ends and lose it's luster. Sessha will lose his sex appeal, that he will!  
  
Kaoru: I didn't steal your damned shampoo! It was Yahiko. He's jealous because he lacks hair appeal.  
  
Kenshin: *drawing his sakabattou* He shall taste dirt for stealing sessha's shampoo! I had the urge to Herbal and he ruined it!  
  
Kaoru: Last time it was Sanosuke. It takes a ton of shampoo to wash all that gel out, you know. And he has to read the instructions. 'Wet hair, apply a quarter sized amount, lather, rinse, repeat.' He said your shampoo had the best instructions. Not confusing at all.  
  
Sano: *picking the worst possible moment to enter the story* Hey, Kenshin old buddy, can I borrow some shampoo? I'm out and I'm broke again.  
  
Kenshin:*eyes glowing a dangerous amber* Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu! *he cuts off the rest of Sano's hair. (Remember Saitou had already given him a Gatotsu trim?) Now, you will leave sessha's shampoo alone, that you will!  
  
Sano: *running away crying like a girl* I hate you! I'm going to get my woofie-kins to Zero Gatotsu you!  
  
Kaoru: You should have just let me feed him my special double wasabi stew with crunchy rice.  
  
Yahiko and Kenshin: *in unison* NASTY!  
  
Kenshin: Yahiko, you should not steal sessha's shampoo, that you should not. I know you are young, but try to understand. A bishounen's hair is his most important attribute. It's my sacred responsibility to my fans to keep my hair beautiful and shining.  
  
Yahiko: I want to be a bishie too. *large tears appear in his eyes*  
  
Kenshin: But, you don't have unusual hair! It must have a strange color not found in nature or cover part of your face or something. Yours is just brown and not even spiky enough at that! Let me demonstrate with the help of some of my bishounen friends.  
  
*A drop dead gorgeous guy with blue hair that sweeps sexily over one eye enters and bows, but his evil chuckle gives Yahiko the creeps*  
  
Bishie: Hi, I'm Legato Bluesummers. I'm a total psychopath, but because I'm hot and have cool blue hair, I still have girls lining up around the block. *he sneers* Stupid spiders! I only love my MASTER!  
  
Kenshin: See, hair makes all the difference. No one would even put up with this weird-ass guy for a second if it wasn't for the sexy, odd colored, one- eye-peeking-out hair.  
  
*Another good looking young man appears, with almost the same haircut, but his visible eye is green and he's wearing a turtleneck and tight jeans. He's accompanied by a cherubic looking blond guy with big blue eyes.  
  
Blond guy: Hey, you stole my sweetie's hair-do!  
  
Legato: *evil chuckle* No, he stole mine!  
  
Quatre: *cries* But the one eye peeking out is all Trowa has to make him really stand out. He hardly ever says anything!  
  
Legato: Too bad, bishie spiders! If I cut my hair, my Master won't find me sexy anymore! The hair stays!  
  
Quatre: I guess we have to bring out the secret weapon, huh, Trowa?  
  
Trowa: *nods* *A bishie guy with a long brown braid down to his butt appears. He has a big grin.  
  
Bishie: Duo Maxwell at your service! More has been written about my hair in fanfic than any of you other bishies! So there. *he sticks out his tongue*  
  
*Another guy with long red hair appears, loud feminine squeals are heard- "Kurama, Kurama!"*  
  
Kurama: I take issue with that claim, Maxwell! More has been written about my hair. Look at it! It's red and its layered and it's dead sexy!  
  
*A deep voice is heard off stage*  
  
Voice: Everyone know I have the most fabulous hair in anime. I, Sesshomaru!  
  
Sesshomaru: Look at this silvery shine! Do you know how much I spend on conditioner alone? And I don't buy that cheap drugstore stuff either. NO! Only the best for the Lord of the Western Lands!  
  
All: OOOH! 


	3. The right clothes for the right job

Double Kodachis  
  
The right clothes for the job  
  
/Enter Aoshi wearing his trenchcoat./ "One must have an immediately recognizable costume to be a bishounen. I have this fabulous and immediately identifiable yellow trenchcoat. I ordered it from Bishounen Bay. You can also buy clothes with lots of belts there, barely-there almost shirts and long flowing capes."  
  
/Sano, whose hair has now grown back, so he looks pretty damn good again/ "Product placement is so boring, Aoshi, get on with it!"  
  
/Aoshi/ "This is so humiliating. But, commericalism is part of Westernization, so I have to do these little ads for some side cash. I mean, try putting 'ninja' on a job application and see how many people are banging down your door."  
  
/Sano/ "Same with 'street fighter'. I miss the good old days where just being able to beat someone to a pulp wasn't just a job, it was an adventure!"  
  
/Kenshin, coming up to them/ "I've never worried about my clothes. Just the hair."  
  
/Sano and Aoshi together/ "We know!"  
  
/Sano/ "I mean, you're my best bud and all, Kenshin, but the pink gi is just a joke!"  
  
/Kenshin, eyes beginning to swirl amber/ "It's not pink, it's faded magenta!"  
  
/Sano/ "Well, if you're going to be seen with me, you need to get some new clothes. You know, Aoshi, I think a nice forest green would go well with his complexion."  
  
/Aoshi/ "Hey, rooster-boy, just because I'm gay doesn't mean that I'm a fashion expert. This is not, 'Queer Ninja for the Straight Samurai'"  
  
/Kenshin, blushing furiously/ "Talk to Kaoru, she's in charge of dressing me now anyway. I just do the laundry."  
  
/Aoshi, groaning/ "Well, then, your girlfriend dresses you funny."  
  
/Saitou, coming over/ "I never let Tokio dress me. Wearing a uniform takes off all the pressure about clothes, though. I highly recommend it."  
  
/Sano, batting his eyes/ "Ooh, I love a man in uniform!"  
  
/Aoshi, rolling his eyes/ "Please, take your "Village People" fetish and leave, you two!"  
  
/Enter Vash the Stampede/ "Get a load of these duds, dudes, red trenchcoat with double buttons, extra belts, and body armor underneath. Am I not totally cool?"  
  
/Saitou/ "Who is this blond baka?" /unsheathing his katana/  
  
/Vash pulls his gun/ "I'm Vash the Stampede, wearer of uber-cool clothes, and check out these orange sunglasses."  
  
/Saitou/ " Great! I already have one blond spike-haired idiot following around. Chou, get out here!"  
  
/Chou/ "Yes, oh evil hot smirking one?"  
  
/Saitou/ "Take care of this moron."  
  
/Chou/ "But, he's too cute to kill, Boss, look at that beauty mark!"  
  
/Vash grins beguilingly and bats his long eyelashes/  
  
/Vash/ "Well, I've got to go. There's a guy I know that even wears freakier clothes than I do!"  
  
/He pushes Legato forward/ "Look at that, a skull. Not everyday you see a guy with a skull on his shoulder. And, he talks to it. I've heard him."  
  
/Legato/ "You're just pissed because I have your arm."  
  
/Vash/ "Get lost, freaky pretty skull boy!"  
  
/Legato/ "You shall all serve my master!"  
  
/Saitou/ "Oh, wonderful, as if we don't have enough psychotic power mad weirdos on our own show!" /Whips out his katana and chases Legato away/  
  
/Legato/ "I'm telling my master! WAHHH!" /He runs away crying and eating a candy bar/  
  
/Vash/ "Quit wiping your snotty nose with my arm!" /Chases Legato/ 


End file.
